Purple Haze

Purple haze all in my eyes

Don't know if it's day or night

You got me blowin', blowin' my mind

Is it tomorrow, or just the end of time?

--Jimi Hendrix

I barely graduated from High School in the summer of 1989, "I got my paper and I was free." But free to do what? I had no clue what I would do with the rest of my life, or even the next day. I didn't have any aspirations, goals or direction. My search for meaning and purpose had taken a serious wrong turn. I didn't have a road map, and, in typical male fashion, I was too proud (or stupid) to stop and ask for directions.

I found myself completely devoid of any positive influence or structure that summer. My dad and the witch moved to Missouri the April before my graduation, promising to drive back up in June for my commencement. They had landed an opportunity managing a retirement community in Springfield, which was a fantastic arrangement for them. I assured them that I would be fine finishing up school in Lincoln, and they should go ahead and take the position. Afterall, I was looking forward to the perfect summer, without a care in the world- and no parent-noids!

My dad offered to pay me to help them sell their house in Lincoln over the summer. I agreed to paint all the rooms (including my psychedelic black and white room), and refinish the wood floors to get everything ready to list (the floors being a task I'd absolutely never attempted before). Every night there was a party somewhere, and every day I tried to recover and work just enough to advance the house projects in some way - to justify my meaningless existence.

I received a bunch of cash from my grandparents for graduation, ostensibly for college. Instead it was utilized to fund parties, and for restoration work on my beloved truck- a 1949 International KB1. So, I was spending a good deal of my money on beer, weed, shrooms and acid, but in the spirit of entrepreneurialism - I was also trying to come up with a way to make that lifestyle profitable going forward. One of my buddies had set up a pretty nice boutique business by providing these items to the citizens of our community. I just needed to figure out a way to get enough money to launch my own venture.

I had a best friend from childhood, Jason, who had stuck with me, even in my worst moments. By graduation we had nothing left in common, really; our Boy Scout adventures were long past, and our evolving adolescent views on the world were taking us in completely different directions. I imagine he was repulsed by the way I was throwing my life away, and I thought he was too staid, simple and naive. In order to fund my summer business idea, I convinced Jason to lend me $1000 of his own graduation money, a fact that I still find inconceivable to this day. I came up with a grand tale, telling him that I was going to move an older couple (friends of the family) cross-country to Florida; packing up their things for them, loading a rented truck, driving it, and then unpacking it down there before returning home. I promised him he'd earn a 50% return on his money after the job was completed, and he reluctantly agreed to invest in my endeavor. I promised to pay him back the week after the 4th of July- when I planned on 'returning' from Florida.

I took Jason's money, along with the rest of my own, and bought a kilo of "Mr. Greenjeans" (2.2 lbs, roughly 35 ounces), which, at the time, I figured I could sell in 1/4 ounce amounts at $35 to $40 a piece, for a total of around $5000. After paying my friend back $1500, I planned on having $3500 left over by the end of summer. That would certainly be enough to buy another round, and put first and last month's rent on an apartment, right? Initially, it appeared that I had 2 lbs. of green gold tucked into my parents' deep freeze.

Of course, there ended up being a few glitches with my plan. One, I wasn't disciplined to limit my own consumption, and I also shared liberally with my friends. With all the partying going on at my house, there was a continual haze of smoke floating around which represented my profits. Problem two involved the simple economic principal of supply and demand. It seems like there was a lot of stuff available that summer, and mine wasn't selling very quickly. When I did find buyers, I either gave them discounts because they were my friends, or to entice them to buy more. So, the deadline I'd given to pay Jason back was quickly approaching, and the piles of cash that I'd dreamed of at the beginning of June hadn't materialized.

In order to escape the noose that I had wrapped around my neck, I found myself on the phone lying to my father. I told him that the transmission on my truck went out, but I could buy a rebuilt one from a friend, and install it myself. I promised him that I'd pay him back when we settled on the house remodeling, and he graciously sent me another check for $500. Over the 4th of July weekend, I sold several ounces of product to one guy for a significant discount, and I managed to scrape enough together to pay off my "investor". I could barely look Jason in the eye when we met up to hand over the money, and our remaining friendship pretty much ended from that point on.

Towards the end of the summer, I realized that my "Risky Business" scheme had netted me essentially zero. I hustled at the end of the summer to get my parents' house ready for sale, and then I proceeded to look for a job. I ended up hiring on to work the night shift at the 'Super Saver' grocery store, stocking shelves from 11pm to 7am. I had a lot of time to myself during those long, sober, nocturnal hours. I'd shown myself to be a lazy, lying scoundrel, deceiving my own father and childhood best friend. The fact that I never got caught didn't ease my mind. I felt there was something inherently wrong with me, and I remember pondering on multiple occasions the very concept of 'conscience'. What was it that made me act this way? And why did I subsequently feel 'guilty'? Is there an innate definition of Right and Wrong imprinted on man's being? Luckily for me, my petitions for a definitive response were not left unanswered for much longer...